Equanimity

Reasons to seek peace

“Sometimes I think,
I need a spare heart to feel
all the things I feel.” ~Sanober Khan

I have always been a sensitive person. My older siblings used to make me the butt of every one of their jokes. They, mostly my brother, would say things like Be careful, she might cry or stop being such a wimp. Their perception of the young me was that I was a weak person who didn’t have a spine when it came to standing up for myself. Once when I was about seven years old, my best friend at the time, pushed me for a reason I no longer remember. I ran home crying and my oldest sister, to this day many many years later, still brings this event up. She also likes to reminisce about my third birthday party where I cried while everyone sang happy birthday to me (there is photo evidence). It’s all fun and games because I know the reasons behind my tears. I cried at my birthday party because I don’t like to be the center of attention and I was probably uncomfortable. I cried when my best friend pushed me because I do not like violence and didn’t want to hurt her back. I am an emotional being. When I feel a very strong emotion, I usually cry. I cry when I’m overjoyed; I cry when I am angry; And obviously, like most people, I cry when I am sad.

What I find to be most atypical of my emotions is my unusually high levels of empathy. What I consider to be normal for expressing empathy is when someone puts themselves in another person’s shoes and tries to understand their vantage point concerning situations. For me, their pain becomes my pain. A close friend of mine lost her mother, a mother I had never met but heard many things about. My friend suffered horribly because her mother was like her best friend. My friend’s mother passed from cirrhosis of the liver. When she passed, I spoke to my friend and let her talk about her mother’s last hours. Although my friend was sad, I was the first to cry on the telephone. I wasn’t just sad for my friend. I felt as though my mother passed and my mother is alive and well today. I didn’t just shed a few tears; I was hysterical! 😦

It doesn’t even stop there. One can easily say that I have a strong connection to my friend and that connection made it easy for me to make the situation more close to home. This is true but I still have no explanation for why when I can no longer watch the news without crying. There are strangers whose stories of tragedy impacts me so much that I cry and feel sad for days after.

Feeling the pain and suffering of others is exhausting. There are times when I am at work, sad for no reason and while I sit and try to figure it out, my co-workers comes and tells me something tragic about their life.

It’s one thing to have a very advanced ability to be empathetic and another to bring in the emotions of others without trying.

So for me, this is one of the greatest reasons to find myself within the chaos and bring about inner peace.

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