Equanimity, Thoughts

Showing my Cards

I discovered another aspect of my shadow, and I thought the reason behind it was commonplace for many people.

I am a “what you see is what you get” person. I rarely wear masks to pretend in situations. It feels like a lot of work putting energy into being inauthentic. But, I seem to have crossed a line somehow. After my trauma, I began showing all my cards up front, flaws and all, to everyone with whom I interacted. I word-vomited over everyone, which I realized turned people away.

I was my authentic self in my last relationship; I am my authentic self in friendships. I have had many instances where being myself and sharing myself in small bites, and in what I thought were safe spaces did noSo whatve triedave done is try to turn the tables so that I cfirst an’t get hurt again. I first laugh at my flaws, so that the other person doesn’t have the power to use them against me. I do it upfront to weed out the ones who have no interest in knowing me but I am also pushing everyone away.

I’m afraid of, yet crave, intimacy. There is a small piece of me still hurting and therefore brings up the pain instead of the joys with people as if keeping people at an arms-length distance will solve all my problems.

If I were playing a game of spades, I should be throwing out the cards that help my partner and me win the book, not harm our chances in any way. Sometimes the cards we have in our hand are not the winning cards but with our connection to our partner, they may have a counteracting card to still make the winning play. But you’ll never know if you are playing all the cards and on your own.

In the game of life, no one but you is responsible for your emotions and healing. As humans, we crave connection, so the avoidance of connection by showing all your cards up front only causes more pain within your soul. Pain makes self-sabotage more reachable. Don’t give up on the things you want because of past experiences. Communicate openly and push through the discomfort, and happiness will find you through your healing.

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