It’s been a year since my divorce was finalized in court, a year since I have been freed from the confines of a toxic marriage. I was released from walking on eggshells in my home and dimming my authentic self to not insult the person I love. I received an email from my ex just a week shy of our one-year “divorciversary.” The email message sums up his expectations of me and summarizes this first post-divorce year well. When I was trying to communicate and come to an agreement, he wouldn’t listen to anything other than what he wanted. He sees my boundaries as combative, and whenever I stand up for myself, he gets more defensive and hostile toward me. He wants to control my life and expects me to do as he says.
I shared my experiences throughout these 12 months not to put him down or gain sympathy but to bring to light how the actions of one can negatively impact the self-image and self-worth of another. Roy T. Bennett said, “You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you will respond to it.” Everyone chooses the life they want to live, but they are not allowed to dictate the lives of others, no matter what they feel is right or wrong. I stopped talking to him face to face after he continuously yelled at me or threatened me. I used to cry whenever he would send me a nasty email, destroying my character but not anymore.
He may not like how I choose to live and walk through life, but that is no reason to insult, yell and verbally abuse me. I used to try and understand his perspective and why he thought his behavior or his words were acceptable. I have learned that I won’t understand everything in life, and how he treats me and our children is more about how he feels about himself than what he thinks about me or our kids. People who want to control others only try to lift themselves from the depths of the hell they created and placed themselves in.
I am changing my perspective on my interactions with the father of my kids. I have to remember that I have the power to control my life, and he does not. I don’t like how I am being treated, but I know that my intentions are pure, and I cannot dim my light or change the content of my character because of the actions of someone who has little significance in my life.
Our interactions have taken me further from equanimity, which is not the direction I want to lead myself. The posts over this year have been filled with so much hurt and pain, and I refuse to be defined by the trauma in my life. I know that he suffered as well. It was just not a healthy relationship and needed to end. I did a lot of soul-searching, seeing where I needed to improve and treat people better. Growth is a spiral, and today, I celebrate how far I’ve come and am ready to apply this new growth to the people in my life and my next relationship.
We all go through things that temporarily knock us out of alignment. When faced with adversity, take that moment to feel your emotions but don’t live there. Get the pain out in the way that makes sense to you and stand in your truth. There may be external factors causing you pain, but for your own sake, heal anyway. What do you do to find healing from your pain?
Look Within 