Equanimity

I may not have everything I want…

I have PTSD.

My life is like living on an emotional/psychological roller coaster.

When life is good… oh it’s the greatest. But when I am at the bottom of that hill, I don’t even realize I am depressed until I’ve been depressed for some time.

I am currently climbing out of a valley and I have realized a few things about my life.

  1. I don’t regret any decisions I have made thus far because I like who I am.
  2. I have so much to be thankful for.
  3. I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need.

I look around at others around me and I soak in their pain and suffering and thank God that I am where I am. I have numerous health issues but none of my issues causes huge delays in my every day routine.

It’s easy to forget about the simple things and life and equally easy to complain about all the ways life isn’t going according to plan. But what I have grown to know and love is that there is beauty all around us that can take away all the negativity.

I believe that it takes me so long to realize that I am depressed because I am too busy absorbing the beauty around me. One thing that keeps me afloat is my kids. When I am with them, I feel renewed. It amazes me every day that I helped create such beauty amidst the stress and duress.

Some times beauty doesn’t cut it so I do what I can to make sure I don’t continue to fall deeper into depression. One thing I do it take inventory of my life; I think about all the things I have and how those things make me feel.

Recently while doing this exercise, I thought about my parents. My parents are still alive and still together. One of my biggest fears is losing them so I thank God every day that they are breathing; every day that I can pick up a phone to call them. I have three of my five siblings. My sisters are my best friend so I have to remind myself to reach out and seek help if I feel like retreating into the darkness.

I feel out of place more often than not but I see my beauty.

Take a moment to learn to be thankful for what you have and realize your blessings before it is too late. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows but even when things are bad, the good is always there, you just have to look for it.

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