Thoughts

Marching to my own beat…

I am me and I’m not for everyone.

I have come to realize that I am an acquired taste. I feel like I would be able to fit in with most crowds but most crowds won’t want to fit in with me. I do not make great first impressions; most people think that I am very strange at first meeting and then try their best to keep me on the outside until miraculously I appear normal. It usually takes the kindness of one person to turn everyone else around.

I always fear new situations. Meeting new people causes so much anxiety that I think that I make things weird while I battle through my anxieties and fears. When most people have children, they may worry about if they feed them the right kind of foods or if the school in their district has a great educational rating. My fear was birthday parties and after school activities. My daughter does a few after school activities. It goes like this: I am on the outside for most of the season and then towards the end, a brave soul connects with me and then I am in! It feels great for the most part and when it’s over, I’m back on the outside again.

Since my childhood, I have been trying to figure out why there is no group of people for me. All my siblings have had their groups of friends. I was always alone for majority of a time period and then with only with a chosen few people and I never understood my difference. One of my very best friends didn’t even like me before she met me. She gave me her reasons, which leads me to believe I am pre-judged before a meet and the outcome is most often negative. I remember during my senior year in high school, I was told that I was intimidating and some people were afraid to approach me. All I do is smile… so my smile is intimidating?

I just don’t understand people. I care so much for people. Upon meeting someone, I try my best, unconsciously, to make them happy. I like to see people smile and if the small things that I do puts a smile on their face, it makes my life worth living. Who doesn’t want a friend like that?Or… is it that some people don’t like that I care so much about the very things they care so little about or the opposite; I care so little about the things they care so much about…

Growing up, I never really cared about cool clothes but I did want them because I knew that I would gain friends that way. Isn’t that sad? So many people out there, just for the material things who refuse to look at people as they are, for who they are.

In the end, I must also add, that I am an awful friend. I make calculated decisions about what I do and how I do it instead of using my emotions to guide me. So if I don’t think that something is worth the financial burden, I won’t do it. If I prefer to read a book instead of talking on the phone with someone for hours, I’ll read and text. Some call me insensitive but I don’t think anyone should live their lives to the beat of others.

I guess I don’t deserve a group of friends made up of people of today. I am me, I am not for everyone but I am okay with that.

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