Thoughts

Fin.

I am afraid of dying.

I am okay with the thought of my death but my fear lies with the people I leave behind. I have PTSD and have been suicidal a few moments in my life. The number one thing that kept me from taking the steps in ending my life was my loved ones. I know my kids will be cared for and my husband will survive just fine. But I don’t want anyone to be sad because of me. Whenever I hear about someone passing, especially if they are youthful or if it’s because of an illness, I get emotional and think about all the people who mourn them.

I think about dying all the time. I think about it in terms of what I will miss when I am not here anymore. As I age, I feel like even without illness or accidents, I am one step closer to meeting the end. I don’t want to live forever but I wish I could guarantee a long worthwhile life where I can look back and say, “It was all worth it!”.

I want to be able to see my children grow up and make their dreams come true. I want to see their weddings and enjoy my grandchildren. I want to be able to see the world and even retire someday.

Just yesterday evening, a woman my age died in a car accident. It hit home because of her age. I am not ready so I doubt she started her commute home thinking it was a perfect time to go.

First Thessalonians 5:2 said that the day of the Lord comes like a thief in the night. In addition to referring to the rapture (end of the world), I think that the verse also refers to an individual’s time of death. There is nothing you can do to fully prepare for a thief breaking into your house. A thief will not come to your door and alert you to his/her plans to rob you. I think that is why it is important to live each day like it’s your last. Embrace your loved ones, speak your mind, enjoy your life because the day will come when there will be no days to follow.

I have always been a person of rules and order. Every day, I attempt to lessen my stronghold on rules and order and have fun with my kids. I meditate daily so that I may embrace the beauty around me and have a calmer demeanor even during my most stressful times. I try to remember to smile and make a positive impact on those around me so that they too can see that it’s not all that bad.

Take time to love yourself and others around you. Contribute positively to the world and when your final day comes, you will meet it with satisfaction.

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