Equanimity

Finding Perfection

I am obsessed with perfection.

I believe perfection is not one thing for everyone but something that is defined by the beliefs of an individual. I am obsessed with my ideas of perfection.

I have always  wanted to be the top student in class; I have always wanted to be a great dancer, singer, even actor. I have my own ideas of what success looks like. I have many images in my mind that I have tried to recreate in art and have fallen short every time. When I look in the mirror, I have an idea of what my physical perfection looks like.

In each area, I have almost always fallen short of perfection. I didn’t graduate any level of education at the top of my class, I was a mediocre dancer and my singing is great only occasionally. I hate the spotlight so I’ve never wanted to be famous. I guess you can say I have succeeded in that 🙂

Everything I do, I do it with a personal standard in mind and that personal standard can some time be influenced by the world around me, causing an endless battle within myself.

For a long time, physical perfection was all I could focus on. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted the world to look at me and see my soul, which I 100% believe that is my most beautiful asset. When I first meet a person, I recognize the physical first, like everyone else. But as I get to know them, their physical self becomes the reflection of their innermost self, which is a harder sight to have. I have met many people who were physically attractive but lost that attraction once I got to know them. The same is true in reverse. There are unattractive people in my life that are the most beautiful people I know 🙂

So for me, I wanted people to look at me, get to know me and see beauty– see me. But as life goes on, somehow my physical diminishes abnormally and my self-esteem suffers, causing me to retreat into myself.

For the most part, I am very accepting of the cards I’ve been dealt. But I am losing the one thing that most people, mostly women, hold dear.

I was diagnosed with alopecia when I was 25. My scalp was scarred by a hair treatment I tried once. I trusted the wrong salon and  it changed my world. It recently got worse so I started getting injections, washing with special shampoos and using special creams. Nothing worked… it just progressed.

I was living a lie for years after that. I shed so many tears! I was so obsessed with perfection that I was trying to will my hair to grow. I was, and still am, self conscious about it because the world treats others with differences horribly. I don’t want to be noticed or treated any different than a person who is within the “norms”.

My husband has seen me at my best and now, my worse. He has his faults when it comes to his opinions about physical form but he has been supportive and still values my beauty which is sad that it should be seen as a reward in the world we live in.

He showed the me the most love and support by doing two things: 1. Shaving my head and 2. telling me that I am still beautiful.

It’s exhausting being worried about the world’s idea of perfection. I am tired of trying to be the person the world want to see because it has caused me to live a stressful and somewhat unhappy existence. Like everything else, I will find the acceptance and move on from this.

We are not defined by our physical form. That part of us will fade and deteriorate as time passes and what we are left with is who we are as a person, our soul and personality, and how we treat ourselves and others. Love yourself and in that you will find love for others.

This journey so far has been about accepting what is and loving myself despite expectations.

You never really know what other people are going through and the horrors they suffer. I hope that my story inspires you to accept some of your own faults, show appreciation for the blessings you have and project love to the world.

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