Equanimity

My Testimony

I went to church with my mom today. Her church is different from the one I attend but familiar because it is the church I grew up in. There is a portion of service where people can give a testimony of how a weary situation has been resolved; a monologue to attest to God’s love. I wanted to share mine with you all. There’s something about sharing a piece of oneself that connects us to each other through vulnerability.

This year has been a crazy year. I brought the new year in with a broken pipe and ceiling rain. A horrifying situation that has yet been 100% resolved. This year has been filled with so much pain and death and I’ve been affected by it all.

You see, I have anxiety. I cannot watch the news because of the negativity portrayed. The tragedies around the world saddens me to the point where I feel the pain as if it were me and my family suffering. I am extra sensitive to death. I’ve been to my fair share of funerals but it took losing my brother for me to avoid them like the plague. I actually did not even attend my brother’s funeral. Due to anxiety, I ran out of his funeral and couldn’t go back.

I decided to attend my uncle’s funeral this past weekend because I wanted to be there for my dad. He lost his last sibling and I needed to be there for him. I tried my best but ended up having two anxiety attacks. But after the funeral, I spent time with family and it was all worth it.

I lost a great aunt in the same week and a coworker yesterday. With each loss, it took me back to when I lost my closest relative, my brother.

Although I am dealing with loss, extreme stress from my home damage, and generally feel overwhelmed with life, this year will be my year of growth. I’ve already proven to myself that I can grow. I was able to attend a funeral without running completely away. I have been living without a kitchen for a couple months and have not gone completely insane. If this was a few years ago, I would have succumbed to the stress while spiraling downward.

I see big things happening this year. It is impossible to go through what I have been through in the last few month and not have a huge follow up. I have big plans and refuse to let the negative outweigh the positive.

If you find that your year is not going well or your stress has met your limit, keep pressing forward. Suffering is not meant to bring you down but to inspire you to see more than what is in front of you. A loss is meant to bring people together and celebrate the life of the ones you love. I’ve circled around many emotions since the first of January but I continue to fall back on is the word “temporary.” Nothing is forever. Our lives, by design, will end at some point. This year, I have begun to understand and live by the thought that everything is temporary. Once this phase is over, I will being something new and hopefully more positive.

I remember in the Army, they would tell us that pain was weakness leaving the body. If that is so, then my weakness is being replaced by strength. Every day I am stronger and in everything you having going on, you are gaining strength and prospective.

Move through the journey so that once it’s over, you can tell your testimony of conquering over weakness and misfortune.

I look forward to your story.

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